I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
