i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
