Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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