my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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