so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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