Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I am one with the molecules
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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