I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Less talking, more tequila
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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