Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
