Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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