one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
