Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
