they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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