What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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