why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
