chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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