He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
