I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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