I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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