So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I had to cum in my sink.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize