look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
