so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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