i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
i think i just lost a toe
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
