Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
