you guys were way drunker than both of me
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
