You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
