i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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