hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize