Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
