i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
