i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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