I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I can't put those talents on a resume
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
