I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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