the condom got lost in my hair
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
