Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
