You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
