Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Randomize
