i was born a porn star she said
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
