I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
