Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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