I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
