This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Randomize
