I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Please don't give away my fajitas
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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