You're my little dorito
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
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