this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
