By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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