I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
