i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
