If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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