that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
