I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
