Cold hands, warm shart.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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