so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
