I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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