then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
