i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
