woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize