I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
