guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize