maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
